Letting go… of being disappointed with disappointment

Last month, the rehab doctors I work with told me that a year from now, I will look back and say, “I can’t believe how sick I was”. I looked at them in surprise and laughed, “what are you saying? This is the healthiest I have felt in years”. They simply smiled knowingly and with sagesse.

I thought of them a few days ago, when I caught a bug in Kerala. I came crashing down like a pile of bricks. I felt so tired and weak that I was surprised. Why, just these past few weeks, I had been a whirlwind of energy and vitality – traveling, meeting up with people, eating stuff I had not dared to eat in years – I had felt invincible. Yet in a brief moment I had been shown my place or so it seemed. As I lay on the houseboat, watching the scenic world drift by, feeling nauseous and terribly weak, I wondered if I would truly be able to partake in the world and its activities at the level I would like to.

I had met friends I used to trek the Himalayas with and talked about Himalayan treks in the future. I met friends I used to learn classical dance with and I badgered them for music and DVDs to start dancing again. But will it really happen again? Or is it a case of my mind and body being in different places again? My mind is indestructible. My body is fragile. My mind wants to live life in multi-color, multi-dimension. It wants to savor life to its every last breath. My body is just plain tired and wary of what my mind wants. Perhaps this has been an ongoing tussle all my life, but I sense it more now. Will I really be able to trek the Himalayas again? Will I really be able to get back to classical dance again? I don’t know.

Despite my hopes and efforts, perhaps I may have to prepare myself for it not happening or happening at the level I would like. And I have to find a way to be okay with it. Not in a defeatist, pessimistic way, but with acceptance and in the knowledge that not everybody gets to do everything they want to do in their life. For dreams are never-ending… the secret may be to find a way to tailor them to fit the scope of our life, the reality of our life. And that may be an art truly worth mastering…