Self indulgence?

The blog came to a screeching halt. Unplanned, unannounced it stopped. Did I not have enough energy? Perhaps. Had it run its course and there was nothing new to say? Perhaps.

Something about the blog was bothering me. A lot. Was it all a little mad and a little random? Perhaps. Did it lack any particular sense of direction, and was so in the moment of the thought – of that particular thought, that it may not make any sense later? Perhaps.

But what made me stop writing… suddenly… quickly...almost permanently, was the following question:
Was it all just plain self indulgence? 

What was this whole exercise? What was I trying to unearth? Why in the world was I staring at myself and my thoughts? A zillion ‘more important’ things that needed to be done (for which I hardly have the energy) flashed before my eyes.

Surely, other people think thoughts and feel feelings… but they don’t sit and write them down. They just get on with their lives and (unlike me) get everything on their list done. Just why am I staring at these thoughts in the eye… some make me gape, some make me look away, some make me laugh, while some make me wonder. But is this a normal thing to do? Maybe I should try and be more normal and just get on with my life. Does that mean the blog has to go?

But again it made me a little sad. And I decided to sit down and question it. And what did I do? Of course, write a blog about it!

So is this self expression? Or is it self indulgence? Nothing seems clear. Even if I may have given up on clarity (of sorts) a long time ago, like a hopeless romantic, I still go searching for it.  
I got no answers (remember the lack of clarity bit from before?)

Had I started the blog because I felt I was turning into someone I could no longer recognize? I was plodding on, thought life and situations – hard, difficult situation, without taking the time to reflect or grieve some of the crummy things that were happening, and the crummy feelings they were leaving me with. Again, had I done that all my life?

Would I wake up a decade later and feel sorry for the way I had tried to handle things without trying to understand what was going on.

No. I have no clue why I started the blog. One day I got up and decided that is what I was going to do, and wrote out the short, brief intro.

Maybe it was my fight to be who I want to be, despite everything I can’t do and be. It was my facing the fact that even when I can’t do everything I want to do, I can still be me. And I was giving myself permission to be weak, or miserable, or strong, or scared, or brave, or happy, despite it all.

True there have been times when I’ve wondered if there has been much wallowing. And I questioned if I was doing a Baudelaire? Remember Baudelaire?

http://www.lettinggoexperiment.blogspot.com/2014/05/in-hidden-shadows-of-mind-do-there-lie.html

In the next few blogs, I decided to do the “opposite of Baudelaire” – whatever that was.  

http://www.lettinggoexperiment.blogspot.com/2014/05/letting-go-memories.html

http://www.lettinggoexperiment.blogspot.com/2014/05/want-to-be-crime-journalist-part-one.html

 

Are these blogs reflections of the moments, rantings of the moment, aspirations of the moment? Or just plain self indulgence? 

I am not going to edit this post (not to say that the others get much editing either). But this can read like a stream of consciousness, or ahem… lack of clarity… for clarity seems far far away…

One of my reasons for doing this was to get unstuck and get moving. But does reflection really do that? Or will reflection prevent me from living my life?

And will I remain in some strange nebulous area of thought - far removed from reality? Sigh…just great, right?

Or am I just plain tired physically from illness, and can only do only little. And hence want to question the relevance of everything that doesn’t seem necessary?

Or does it set me free in mind and spirit. And yet physically, I don’t feel so, and hence feel restless with this disparity of being? Frustration with the polarity of existence? And does that open up a new can of questions?

And beneath it all, lies the question:

Is this inquiry or introspection or self expression? Or is it just self indulgence?