Thank you…

Today was a somewhat emotional day. Exactly a year ago today, I underwent surgery. Surgery I had tried to avoid till my condition became life-threatening. Surgery I didn’t believe I even needed. Surgery I had done everything to prevent. Surgery that seemed too unnatural to be happening to me - for after all, these things happened to other people – people we don’t know, right? And I simply couldn’t believe that my body was not capable of self-healing. (And other warped forms of the third person effect hypothesis…sigh…)

The years of illness, countless treatments, drugs, hospital stays were all part of some strange dream. A dream in which I didn’t even belong. It had gone on long enough for me to not be in denial anymore. But in the moments when I felt better, I was quick to dissociate myself from this strange dream. (yeah right, what was I smoking right?). Truth be told, nothing. And whether or not I liked it, whether or not I believed it, I belonged in it. It was my life, it was my illness, it was all happening to me.

But it was also happening to others. For I had dragged others into this strange dream – a dream that they really didn’t need to be in. And even if I tried to shelter my family from the ugliness of the situation, they were part of it. It was happening to them too.

This past year has been an unusual one, I suppose - with many highs and many lows. And I don’t even think it is far enough, for me, to be able to see it clearly yet.

But today I was feeling rather dejected about my health. About the meds I still have to be on. About having to deal with so much. About how tired and weak I feel. About not being done with that part of my life just yet. It was probably more impatience than self pity. And then, I heard a piece on NPR about gratitude.

About how gratitude leads to joy and how we always have so much to be grateful for. Sure, I believe in the general idea, but I don’t think I would qualify as its spokesperson. I have tried on occasion to do things like keep a gratitude journal – and have failed miserably. Not to say I am an ungrateful person, and I do like to and need to remind myself of the things I am grateful for. But the gratitude journal made gratitude seems like homework and it just didn’t feel right.

But today it truly hit me. I was not where I wanted to be. But I was much better, and I was grateful. I could say to myself, “I am grateful for this moment”.

And suddenly I was struck by a surge of gratitude for everything everyone has done for me to help me get to this moment. Family, friends, doctors, heathcare professionals, and even near strangers, who have shown me so much kindness… at times I have felt that kind words, kind actions, time, energy, thoughtfulness and prayers of others have tided me over.  I felt swept up by the strength of this wave of gratitude – for the many things, many people, have done to help me get better. 

I don’t know that I thanked everyone. I don’t know that I thanked everyone well enough. I don’t know I will even remember everything everyone has done for me. And although that sounds ungrateful, I am truly grateful to everyone who has been there for me.  

I really don’t know how to say this without making it sound like an Academy Awards speech. There really must be an inner-diva in me. Sigh… And like the Academy awards speech, the music will soon commence to shut me up.

But these words are heartfelt and yes, they were right on NPR. Gratitude does bring joy. Just like the joy I feel in this moment. Quite unlike the glumness I felt about a half hour ago. And for all of you who bring me this moment of joy – near or far, whether or not you read this blog…thank you…

 

p.s. quick aside… That is what I wrote on my blog on this day, a year ago, at 5 a.m. in the morning before my surgery.

Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.
- Martin Luther King Jr.