A birthday…

So I had another birthday. A birthday is always fun - given all the love and attention you get. But for most part, it simply comes and goes as it does every year…

But for the past couple of years, it has made me tad reflective. Sigh… I must be getting old after all.

And by now, you know what I often to do when I get reflective – write it down – publicly or privately. Yes, I get it out of my system (hmm...not sure if that is a good thing), and then get up and get on with my life…

Last birthday was particularly interesting. I thought I was having a great big existential crisis! I had just returned from the hospital after surgery and my body was weak and tired, but my mind continued to whirr…

38 years!! What had I done with my life so far? I was supposed to save the world and make a difference (yeah yeah… we’ll blame it on the drugs…). Just what did I have to show for those 38 years? What had I done with my time on this planet?

I found no answers and my breath was getting shorter. So I decided to let go… I laughed and thought, “heck, I must be felling better, if I have the strength to ask myself such questions”. So I gave my little or great big existentialist crisis a positive spin, and began to breathe normally again.

I had no existential crisis this year. Sigh… I must be more tired than I seem. I just took a nap in the morning – a birthday nap, mind you (I must be getting really really old – my idea of celebration has changed considerably!). But reflect, I did. On time passing and things ending…

Add to the overall sentiment, my birthday is in September. And as beautiful as September is in the Pacific Northwest, it does confirm the passing of summer and sunshine and fun and energy…

It made me want to break out into haikus on the passing of time and season, and good times and change… Yes, I can almost read them, although I haven’t written a word; I can almost hear them, although I haven’t uttered a single sound…

But you know them too… Of youth and unfinished dreams swept away by the river of time and the tide of situations… Okay, so I can be tad dramatic. And no matter how tempting the haikus seem, I’ll stop right here. To spare us from bad poetry and melancholia in general.  

Yes, time will pass. We will gray. Interestingly enough, I have no problems with the passing of the “appearance” of youth. Although, I will confess to wondering if it was now time to start wearing more make-up. Oh, put those botox needles away, already. I simply stopped examining my face in the mirror and all concerns quickly disappeared.

Maybe as we get middle aged, we simply value our time on the planet more and want to make each day count. Oh come on, there’s got to be some advantages to being middle-aged.

I do believe there are.

For although the beauty and energy of youth diminishes, I feel more free – to be who I want to be. Other people’s judgment doesn’t affect the middle aged as much (or so I hope). I can dress, behave as I want to, do what I want to, say what I want to - without drawing much attention. For middle-aged people draw little attention and that is just fine by me.  

For by now, most of us have at least started figuring out what really matters. And although we miss the headless energy and mad mirth of youth, this too is a good place to be, and a promising start of things to come…