Okay I’ll just say it. I am a hypochondriac. Or so it seems
– each time I call the triage nurse line, or a doctor’s office, or even my
dentist. The treatment I receive is familiar, as is the tone in which the
nurses speak to me. On occasion, I have wanted to say to them, “I know that you
know that it all works out in the end and that I’m flapping for nothing. But I
don’t know that (yet); nor do I know (yet) that I’m flapping for nothing. So
let me flap away and please don’t talk to me in that patronizing tone.”
Besides I believe I may have reason to flap. For each time I
play it cool, it doesn’t end well. Like
the time I played it cool and thought the rash on my abdomen was nothing. I mentioned
it oh-so-casually to the nurse at the pre-surgery appointment. I saw alarm on
her face and almost heard the alarm in her head. She dashed out, returned with
a doctor who told me I had shingles. They told me surgery was probably
postponed and hurriedly shooed me out of their hospital.
Or the time I played it cool after a colonoscopic procedure.
I was in discomfort. But the doctor performing the procedure said it was just
bloating and I let it go. Two days of discomfort later, I decided to try acupuncture.
One look at my distended abdomen and my naturopath asked me to get x-rays and see
my doctor. She suspected perforation. Guess I had played it cool again –
unwisely so. And the look on the x-ray technician’s face was one I will always
remember. Not only did she do multiple x-rays to confirm, but she patted me on
my back, asked me to be very careful, asked if I had a ride home, if I wanted
to sit down, if I needed water... I really didn’t need the radiologist’s report
to confirm the perforation.
So does that mean I have a knack for flapping over the
inconsequential and ignoring the important? I wish I had the opposite problem.
But wait, that wouldn’t be a problem – that would be wisdom. Sigh…
These days, I can’t even judge if it is the hypochondriac inside
me rising or if the matter is truly legit. Like a few days ago, when the
dentist inserted toothpick–like things between my teeth and forgot to take one
out. It hurt like crazy, and I called his office only to be told by him (patronizingly)
that it was normal for the gums to be sore. When I insisted there was something
pokey sticking out of my gums, he finally relented (disapprovingly) and told me
to come in if I liked. A long wait later, I sat in his chair, with dark goggles
and an open mouth and he saw the jabbing souvenir left in my gums. “No, you’re
not crazy.” (his attempt at humor??) “You would have been miserable going into
the weekend like this.” The dark goggles prevented me from staring at him in
disbelief and my open mouth prevented me from uttering any words of
protest/confusion…whatever…
This is really not an essay of complaint about nurses,
doctors and health care givers. For I consider them an absolutely wonderful breed. I have met and been
under the care of the kindest, most wonderful and most compassionate doctors
and nurses and I am continuously in awe of how much they give of themselves to
others. They have indeed saved me many times over and it would be anything but
gracious for me to whine about them. They are just doing their jobs and I feel
really sorry that they have to deal with me and many such “me”s. Yikes!
All I’m trying to come to terms with is that when you’re
sick, it’s okay to feel scared, or alarmed, and it’s okay to be a hypochondriac
and it’s okay to be a bit of a nuisance and call with questions or concerns,
and it’s okay to want to develop a thicker hide when the nurse’s tone is
patronizing (the hide will thicken with time – or so we can hope), and it’s
okay to call again when they do not respond to your last call. And perhaps it’s
wise to not take a dismissing tone too personally, or a shake of the head too
literally. If you feel sick and if you think you need to talk to an expert,
then hypochondriac or not, you deserve to be heard.
Hypochondriac or not… If I am one, hopefully I will not
remain one forever. In the meantime, if I am one, I hope I will figure out how
to deal with being one.
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