Letting go of... forcing my values down someone else’s throat…

Yet another birthday party for our precocious now eight-year-old. As always, there was much excitement around the party. And as always, there was one thing that bothered me – gifts.
I think it an imposition for guests to get gifts and I always feel overwhelmed by the gifts at the end of the party.

I love the idea of donations to a charity instead of gifts, or even a book exchange. And for the past several years, I have suggested it to my daughter. But it is always met with resistance. “No gifts Mom! That would be terrible,” her face is crestfallen. She loves the feeling of surprise that opening a gift holds. And she just can’t imagine how a birthday can be complete without gifts.

So by now, she senses when I am about to broach the topic and her tiny antennae spring up. Even before I could present my entire case this year, her body language and then her little self doled out a flat “No”.

I sighed. But I also made my peace with it. I realized that my wanting a no-gifts birthday was part of my value system. And imposing my values on her was simply not the way to go about it.

Charitable thoughts and feelings have to come from within. And I know they will for her too when the time is right. Or maybe she will find other ways to do good in the world. But forcing her to feel a certain way was really not doing any good – to her, to me or to the world. For it is important that her values are her own - not those passed down or forced down on her.

So I simply let it go. Maybe I won’t even bring up the topic next year. Yeah right… I’m just about as stubborn as any mule could possibly be… So I’m quite sure it will come up. But I will accept her answer without any reaction, without any reservations.

 For I will know that there is plenty of time for her to figure out her values and beliefs – many of which will be stellar and sound – whether or not they involve gifts.