Letting go…of not allowing myself to feel pain and discomfort

I have spent a good chunk of the past few years in pain. Most people with chronic illness do so. Pain like this assumes a life of its own. It grows, transforms and even metamorphoses into emotions, feelings, frustrations you never knew you could hold. It seems to assume colors, shapes and even a personality of it’s own.

And as it makes a space for itself in your being, you start to react to it. Frustration, annoyance, anger, irritation, helplessness… Till (as in my case), I try to control the situation. And how have I controlled such a situation? Simply by numbing myself to it.

As I reflected over the course of my illness, I was stunned at what I had been doing. I remembered all the physical pain I used to experience at the beginning. But for the past several years, I have hardly complained of physical pain to my doctor. And I simply stare blankly at nurses and doctors when asked to rate my pain scale. 

So if the illness has worsened as I am told, where has all the pain gone? I simply don’t allow myself to feel to feel it as much – except when it catches me off-guard. Or if there is a new source of pain – even the smallest.

And though it may sound brave, I think it has been an act of cowardice. For has this bravado helped me? Quite the contrary, I think. For numbing myself to it, hasn’t made it go away. And since it can’t go away, it has simply manifested in other ways. Countless times that I’ve shouted at my child, snapped at my spouse, or completely zoned out whilst in company – truly I have been a joy to live with.

Maybe I was tired, maybe I didn’t have the strength to face it, maybe it didn’t make me feel good about myself. Whatever the reason, the realization brought me pain and for once I allowed myself to feel it.

Till I realized that I had done it to some degree all my life. Many of us do. And you don’t have to have a big chronic pain to do so. Many of us find ways to not feel the discomfort of a situation. I have often distracted myself with a frenzy of activities rather than slow down and face the discomfort. For facing it takes courage. Acceptance is hard. Annoyance is easy. And distraction is speedy.

So what is the solution then? Feel the ache, complain about it all the time? Again, I will be a true joy to be around, right?  

Perhaps the answer lies in acceptance and a certain compassion towards the pain and towards ourselves as we hold it. A certain courage to face it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel.  For fighting it will not make it go away. Pretending it doesn’t exist, will not make it go away. So why not try befriending it no matter how ugly it seems or how ugly it makes us feel…