The letting go experiment...the experiment begins...

A few weeks ago, right about bedtime, a meltdown began in our household. From a small lapping wave, our seven-year old’s meltdown gained momentum and grew and grew into an angry tidal wave devouring in its path any shreds of patience, calm, reason her “wise” parents had to offer.  As I watched the child scream and weep, an image of a determined dog refusing to let go of a bone came to my mind. The child simply could not let go of what she wanted.

“But you had said”, “this is not fair”, “just this one time”, “you guys are so mean”, “you don’t love me”, the words tumbled out of a red and teary faced-soul. I sighed and heaved and was ready to throw in the towel. I could see an image of the sweet child blissfully asleep beneath cool sheets and peace pervading in our home. But the parent in me decided her demand was not reasonable and we could not give in each time she threw a fit. So we valiantly battled on.

More tears, more coaxing, more raised voices – hers and our later, the storm finally calmed down. Then it was time for me to go into advice mode. I gave her my best spiel on how she was hurting herself by not letting go. With analogies of dark clouds accumulating inside her sunny self, I tried explaining how holding on to something that was unlikely to happen was making her so unhappy and angry inside. She seemed to nod in agreement. But again that may have been due to sheer exhaustion.

I tossed and turned that night. Wondering why I was so upset, I suddenly realized that I was exactly the same way. I too had a hard time letting go. I too was that dog refusing to let go of the bone. This reality was sobering. I needed a good chunk of that wisdom I had poured on the tired seven-year old. The many occasions I had made myself unhappy simply by refusing to let go flashed before my eye.

My daughter had evidently picked the wrong gene from me. Or was she modeling after me I wondered with horror. Or was she simply being a seven-year old? I mulled it over for days. Was my inability to let go coming in the way of my happiness and freedom, I wondered. And since I couldn’t “let go” of the idea (the beauty of irony, huh?), I decided to turn it into an exploration, an experiment in learning to do so. 

And that is what this blog is about. A year-long experiment in letting go. Big stuff, small stuff, important stuff, not-so-important stuff. A year’s worth of personal experiences, attempts, inspirations, and musings on the topic. Drawing inspiration, testing theories, reviewing research, making intentions… the attempt becomes more conscious, more real as I chronicle it here.

So will I be completely zen by the end of the year? Or will this blog merely crumble away like my many other intentions? That of course, remains to be seen.

But planting this seed of intent to let go makes me feel better. And while there are no guarantees of enlightenment or zenhood (if that is a word) by the end of the year, I hope I will have learned at least on occasion to let go, that my jaw will clench less, my shoulders will tighten less, the knots in my stomach will relax, and I will breathe free and happy. This is the experiment to let go of all that holds me back and holds the promise to set me free.