Letting go…of trying to not fall apart

I feel there has been a lot of falling apart in my life in the past several months. And I have allowed it to happen. I have allowed myself to fall apart. Looking back, I now see that it was bound to happen. I had held myself together through years of illness. I had become tight and resilient and had plodded right along – through life and work, family and motherhood.

I believed staying strong was the only course for me and that it was my time to be brave. Maybe I was brave. Maybe I wasn’t. For I am slowly beginning to understand that falling apart takes courage. Becoming vulnerable takes courage. Knowing that you are vulnerable takes courage.  

I may seem a mess, but perhaps the falling apart was necessary. I feel I can pick up the pieces again. I feel I can pick up only those pieces that I want in my life leaving the chaff aside. To me, that is a beautiful thought.

Yes. Falling apart reveals your vulnerability, and it is hard to remain vulnerable. I believe it takes a lot of courage to walk in vulnerability. And I find this courage faltering now.

I feel like I am beginning to toughen up again. To wear my resilient face more. That ‘everything is fine’ and ‘I can handle anything’ attitude is coming back. In an attempt to be more put-together, I fear that I may close up again.

And perhaps that is necessary too. For I can’t be a heap of emotional mess for the rest of my life.  But I do hope I remember and recognize the value of vulnerability and remain humble enough to fall apart if life needs me to.