Letting go…just trying to do so

I went to a chiropractor a couple of months ago. Not sure if I got better aligned or not. But one thing I learnt for sure was how firmly I was holding on – to whatever it was and for whatever reason. It was very apparent that I couldn’t let go.

She asked me to lie on my side on the table and lean toward her, letting go of my body weight towards her. I was disinclined to do so. “Lean forward,” she urged. “Lean against me. I’m not going to let you fall,” she assured. But her words fell on deaf ears. I was tight and stiff and simply unable to let my body go limp and lean fully towards her. I managed to bend forward only a little bit.

I tried. She coaxed. I sighed. She sighed. We gave up.

The experience came as a surprise to me. For in my mind, I am flexible and willing and trusting. But my body seemed to think differently and spoke a different language. It wanted to clench and not let go. I was not quite sure what it was holding on to. Maybe the years of illness have taught it something my mind doesn’t quite understand.

So that day at the chiropractor, I checked in with my mind. It seemed tired - just plain exhausted and worn out. Why then was it unable to go limp? That would be the logical reaction to fatigue, right? My guess is that my body was trying to remain tough and strong to compensate for the sheer fatigue my mind was feeling. But wasn’t it tiring itself further in doing so?

Maybe some sort of power play exists between the mind and body. Or maybe one was looking out for the other. Who knows what? What I do know was that it wasn’t helping me feel better. And what I do sense is that I would feel better if the walls between them would dissolve and if they would speak the same language.  And till I figure out how, all I can do is try.