I feel like
I’ve opened a can of worms. A really really big can of worms with a never-ending
bottom. I’m scared to peek in. There’s no knowing what else I will find. I may
have scratched only the surface and wonder if I even want to scratch any further.
In my mind, I
thought I was perhaps heading towards the elusive path of Zen. But the path seems
nowhere in sight. Many forests, rivers, ravines and mountains must be crossed
before I can even see the path. And I may never even get see it. Just knowing I
tried may have to be enough.
Yes, letting
go is not easy. It is a fairly uncomfortable and prickly process. No I’m not
giving up – for after all, I don’t let go that easily, remember? But it does
remind me of the teachings of meditation gurus who discuss the discomfort involved
in meditation.
Goenka
(Vipassana meditation) refers to meditation as a surgery. It is the opening up
of emotions, memories and patterns within ourselves that we didn’t know existed.
Facing them with equanimity is his wise advice. Pema Chodron talks about the
whirring mind that we notice in meditation and the difficulty in calming it
down.
So it seems
like opening ourselves, sensing and seeing our emotions and patterns can be a painful
process. And that is probably what I am encountering.
True, each time
I have meditated I have felt this discomfort that they talk about. It is supposed
to get easier with time and practice and the mind slowly learns to calm down. I
have yet to experience that. But I’m in the hope that the “windows” of relief
that they talk about will become doors and eventually open spaces of awareness.
And perhaps,
the same will happen with letting go. The discomfort and difficulty involved in
letting go will get easier. Staying put in the face of all this discomfort is
perhaps all I need to do. And that’s all you will need to do - if you’ve joined
this journey with me.
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