Letting go…of feeling guilty

It’s easy for me to feel guilt. In the past few years I have been regularly hit by huge pangs of guilt. And I continue to do so.  

I felt guilty for causing my family so much pain. For all the anxiety and fear my child has had to feel. She has not been sure about me for a while – if I’m having a good day or bad, if I will be able to go to the park with her or not, or if I will even be around for very long.

For the anxiety I have caused my spouse for refusing to have surgery and continuing to live with what my doctor called a “life-threatening” condition. For the worry I have caused friends who have tried to gauge my situation and figure out what was going on. And for all the times they have had to help me out.

Yes, I have felt guilty each time I have dragged others into my crazy situation. I recently stressed out a friend who drove me around from doctors to x-rays trying to figure out if my colon was perforated. It was. It drained her so much that she canceled a meeting the following day.

So in my opinion, I deserve to feel guilty. I have dragged my family and friends into my unstable existence and have caused them much worry and inconvenience.

So no matter how “right” this guilt is. Does it help? Does feeling bad about the pain you are causing others make them stop feeling it? Does it help me to feel weighed down by the burden of my actions or situation? It only makes me withdraw further and not feel good about myself.  

As someone once wisely said to me, “you didn’t wish this on yourself. And you didn’t wish this on others. Are you doing this intentionally? Why then should you feel guilty?”

So unless the pain we cause someone is intentional, feeling guilty is really pointless. It doesn’t help us. Nor does it help the person who is trying to help us. And it is true for even the smallest instance.

After all, we live crazy connected lives. And in our webbed world, we are bound to feel and share other people joys and worries. Feeling guilty about our actions may be a disservice to our community and a pure waste of our energy.  

And I know some of us torment ourselves with this burden more than others. But my friends, if you are in the same boat as I, do pause and question if it is worth it.

That said, I will try and catch myself from feeling guilty next time I see my child do a nervous twitch. And not allow myself to wonder if I have ruined her life. Sigh…well, at least I can try…