Letting go…of trying to protect myself

I had surgery. A big long surgery. The surgery went well. Recovery was a bitch. Post surgery complications were among the most harrowing experiences my poor body has had to deal with. And it has dealt with much.

One of the nurses said my body was probably stark angry from everything that was done to it. She was probably right. And that’s probably why it decided to go on strike and refused to start working again. When I expressed concern to my doctor, he almost chided me and asked me to go easy on myself. My body was weak from years of illness and it had endured a big surgery, were his wise words.

But there I was writhing in discomfort, waiting impatiently to start feeling better. And then I began to wonder if I was the one coming in the way of my healing. I was simply so clenched and tight. My body needed compassion to believe it could start working again and I was serving it impatience.

So in the midst of all the turmoil, fear and pain, I decided I needed to let go. Maybe I was trying to protect myself by holding myself so tightly. And it was doing me no good. Yes, wisdom can strike in a fog of morphine too.

But despite this wisdom found in the in the midst of pain, vomiting and tubes down my nose, I simply could not let myself go. I even tried telling myself that things couldn’t possibly get worse and that I should just allow my body to relax. But I continued to remain impatient and inflexible.

Perhaps it was fear, perhaps I was trying to protect myself, perhaps it was more body than mind. Whatever the reason, I simply could not allow myself to loosen up, trust my body and allow it to simply be.

I still have ways to go in my recovery. But I would like it to happen with more compassion. I would like to trust my body more and believe in its capacity to heal. I would like to go easy on myself and allow the healing to happen. On its own – without my interference.

I am not quite convinced I will succeed in this endeavor. I am not quite sure if I am even capable of it. But I’m struck by how hard it can be for some of us to go easy on ourselves. I wonder if I have often come in the way of my own healing or happiness. I suspect I am trying to protect myself fiercely here. And it’s time for me to let go of doing that…